It's been brought to my attention that I am depressing.
And conceited, entitled and overall not a person that people would want to support.
I get that. I really do.
It's just sort of the way things are. I know that if you take what I release solely for what you hear and not what you read about me or see in pictures I post or even if you talk with my via email or social media that a person would think "What the f*** is wrong with this guy?"
But that's how this is. That's the meat of what happens to me. Most of my life is depressing and I know that is hard to listen to over the long run. When I cam back to Crayton I definitely didn't want to be here. It's the old story of the wayward son finding his way home and thinking he's risen above his station in life.
I get that. It was me.
Then I got tied to a chair in a dark place. I had to confront the reality of who my father really was.
The podcast is about my search for answers. The other few hundred hours of audio that exist between episodes that include me watching TV or videos, typing at my laptop, sleeping, eating, etc, is just extra.
It would make no sense to tell you that I watched a video of a guy almost falling down after slipping on the ice 20 times.
It would make no sense for me to tell you that my new heroes in life have become the guys on Youtube who post under "2Cellos".
There is no context for me brining flowers to mom's grave.
There's no point to tell you how many times I wake up crying, wishing that Sara was here instead of me.
And I get it. Because of all that, I know exactly how I sound. I know that people won't like who I am or care about what I go through. I'm grateful that you listen at all, but understand that part of me even doing this blog or social media is to try and help anyone out there to understand that I am a person beyond the surreal.
Without all that stuff, yeah, I'm just an asshole with serious trust issues.
But the other me, the rest of me, is the guy who think's this guy deserves the key to his hometown.